Oh boy, does this sound familiar. You know, you may be right... maybe I act more because I don't want people to dislike me. This sparked a memory. Once I was sitting in homeroom in middle school. I had recently gotten glasses, and was messing around with them. Somehow I discovered that the end of the earpiece could go straight into my ear canal, and reach further than a Q-tip. I don't remember what made me think of it or why I thought it was a good thing to do. Then I got bored of that, and started imitating the Hollywood portrayal of a writer, where they stick the end of the earpiece in their mouth while they're thinking. I didn't realize how odd these actions looked, especially in conjunction, until I heard a girl whispering about me, and stopped immediately. I suppose a lot of my "acting" is like that. I've just been doing it so long that maybe I don't always acknowledge the underlying desire I have, since I won't do it anyway.
So yeah, I've become aware that some things I do make people uncomfortable. And I hate being on the other side of it, so I try to avoid making people uncomfortable. I have some kind of super-sensitive-vicarious embarrassment. I don't like listening to prank call comedy, because I feel so embarrassed for the person being pranked. When my gluten-intolerant roommate asked a waiter if the potato bread had wheat, I thought I would die from embarrassment. I also hate people in general sometimes, but I find myself wondering if it's just because I've been alienated so long that I have to tell myself, "Fine, I didn't want to be your friend ANYWAY." It's hard to tell.

See that's what I'm saying though! I will tell you my deepest secret, if you ask. I like to talk about the "real me", the weird thoughts I have, my philosophy, my views on things, my deepest desires. But you can't just come out and say that stuff or you look terribly self-involved. And people rarely ask, so I assume they just don't care about me. I know when I'm having a conversation with a friend, I'd rather hear a story about a camping trip they went on when they were 12 than which TV star is hottest. But again, how do I let people know that's what I want, without seeming weird?

YES. I hate that we're both lying to each other, and I hate that it's hard to tell when that relationship changes. When a regular customer starts asking me about my hobbies and more personal stuff, I don't know what to think. I assume they're still just passing the time, and while it is easier for me to talk about than the weather, it makes me uncomfortable. Customers pretending they want anything from me besides their clothes, and me pretending I want anything from them but to get their money and be alone again, grates on me so much. I don't understand how some people make it look so easy. I simply can't fathom that some people actually LIKE making conversation with random strangers. My boyfriend, for instance, is a question mark to me when it comes to social interaction. He's what most people would call an ***. He doesn't care about strangers, just like me. He doesn't filter his criticisms for people he knows, whether it's me or the owner of our company. He has actually told an irate dry cleaning customer to "get the **** out", and didn't get in trouble. But what baffles me is that when he wants to, he can be so charming! Any customer who hasn't pissed him off loves him. He's known for being able to talk his way out of anything. I just don't get why, if he cares as little as me, he can fake caring so well. For a guy who looks like he'd rather be working at a truck stop, he can be incredibly professional. I suppose maybe his strength is that he doesn't care. It's just so frustrating to me that I desperately want to be liked, and always come off as awkward, while he doesn't really care if people like him, but manages to look like he does.
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Yeah, I've been with my boyfriend almost 5 years and that's pretty much how we are. We don't have a social network, we've never been to a bar with anyone besides each other and his brother. (Since we've been together that is, he went to bars a lot more before we met.) I don't feel like our relationship is missing anything. I just feel like I'm missing another relationship. Just one other person I can talk to when he's being a ****, that I can tell about the random stuff I read online that he doesn't care about.

I have recently started talking to a friend again that I've known since we were 6. I'm pleased to find I still care about her, and when we talk it's almost just like the old days. But this is a relationship I've always had, even if it was on hold. I feel like something went wrong inside me after high school, because I haven't had a single fulfilling platonic relationship since then.

Well, you've given me enough to think I shouldn't discount the possibility that I'm schizoid. I wonder if that's why I sometimes feel like my schizophrenic roommate and I have a lot in common. I know they're not really related, but it's the same word, there must be some connection...

Maybe I'll discuss it with a therapist when I find one. Thanks for your input.