Hi DBTDiva,

Thank you again for commenting. I really appreciate it.

My thinking is that if someone could do something that intimate with someone else after a lengthy relationship then they can't have really felt anything for their ex.

I've been in therapy before and have been struggling to find a new therapist. I have a few threads about it on here. I know what you're saying is right. I'm hoping to find a good therapist but it looks like it may not happen.

I shouldn't have used the word research but my ex told a few lies early on that really hindered the growth of our relationship, many of them he told in order to impress me or cover up things he thought would lead me to leave him or look down on him. Eventually I discovered them all and by that point he'd started being more forthcoming but it was too late, I was triggered by him all the time because he represented so much uncertainty. Then he was triggered by me because I needed control to feel even a tiny bit safe and that meant him checking in and whatnot. It was painful and needed to end but I can't seem to forgive myself for not ending it sooner and loving myself enough to.

He wasn't all bad and that's what I also struggle with. He was always extremely supportive of my career, education and general life choices, many times sacrificing his stuff for mine. Then he would lie or explode in rage and I couldn't understand how he could be so kind and also so cruel or so brilliant and spiritually knowledgeable but morally inept.

Until I know how to pick someone with more stability, I need to only be in relationship with myself. I think not loving myself is why I picked that.