It's only been in the past year that I disclosed to my therapist that I experienced sexual trauma as a child. It took a lot to admit because I so heavily blamed myself because for one I didn't know if it even counted because it was by my cousin who was only 3 years my elder and that although I knew it wasn't normal and it was wrong there was many times I took comfort in what was happening because of the attention he gave me. Now that I have opened up to my T and to another therapist covering her maternity leave it has begun to open my eyes to a lot.
Through their empathic responses and reading posts in here and listening to others experiences in various podcasts I'm finally starting to realize all the shame and isolation and feelings of self hatred and disgust, thinking that I'm so different, and the intense guilt is so common amoung survivors. Understanding that my shameful sexual fantasies are actually common and normal adaptations of the brain trying to figure out the trauma has given me this sense of relief and self compassion.

From these discoveries and the guidance of my therapists I've begun to finally correlate that my mental health issues of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, intense body hatred can be linked to sexual trauma. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I think I'm finally on a journey to true inner understanding. And maybe the lifelong belief of feeling like a disgusting freak on the outside of society looking in is not the truth, instead a psychological response to a childhood trauma.

Anyone else go through these realizations? I find myself accepting them one minute and then fighting against it the next.