Another pointless pdoc appointment. It wasn't my regular pdoc as she's on vacation (even though she consults with this pdoc on my case all the time) so she was reluctant to make any changes. She tried to push the Wellbutrin on me even though I stopped it last month (my pdoc never refilled it and I kept forgetting to call until it was too late). And even though it wasn't working at all. I finally told her I'm not going to take something that's not working. She upped the Brintellix to ten mg. I have felt nothing on five mg. I don't know how Brintellix works, whether it takes a long time to build up or not. All I know is that I'm tired.

The depression has been getting blacker.

I of course won't do anything because I don't have a will and I don't know where my son would end up. He might end up in foster care and I don't want that. I have to get my affairs in order.

If Christmas wasn't in three days I would go to the hospital. Just so I could be somewhere I don't have to pretend. So I could be somewhere I don't have to do anything except lay in bed as that's all I feel I'm capable of right now.

The worst part is that I know I'm probably going to feel fine in a week or so for a month or so so by the time I see my pdoc again I'll be fine. And then it will start all over again. And I'll be back here and how many times can I be here before I finally say enough?

I hate this. I hope I can convince my regular pdoc to let me try the maoi when I see her. If I'm still feeling like ****.