I've been thinking a lot lately about how I just don't belong anywhere and never have. All through school and even after graduating from college, I never found anywhere that I truly "belonged," like I was always the third wheel or the outsider in every group. In middle school I was bullied for being "different" and in high school I drifted from clique to clique, never really belonging to any of them. In college I gradually retreated until I became almost totally isolated from others.

I'm not sure what it is -- maybe a factor of my Social Anxiety Disorder or Depression, or maybe even something to do with the autism spectrum? But I just cannot "connect" with people for the life of me. I haven't had a real, true friend since early childhood. Perhaps I've been isolated for so long that I can't even remember how to make friends anymore. I'm not good at interacting with people on a personal level -- I am very nice and polite in everyday situations, but when it comes to a deeper connection I simply stall and fail.

I feel like everyone else was born with some innate socialization abilities that I simply don't have; like everyone got a manual that I didn't. Maybe my brain is wired wrong. I can't carry a conversation and I hate small talk. I always failed miserably at dating -- hell, I didn't even start until college because every girl I asked out in middle and high school rejected me. It's like I'm untouchable. I'm extremely lonely but I'm also far more comfortable when I'm alone.

I'm an "adult" now (or so they tell me; I still feel like a teenager in my head, emotionally retarded you might say) and I feel like my chances are gone. I can't relate at all to people my own age now because they all have spouses and children and careers while I have none of those things. Who would take a chance on a broken person like me? I'm just weird -- I don't fit in to society at all. And it really hurts sometimes.

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way; I can't be the only one. Still, it's a lonely life.