Hiya CopperStar,
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Originally Posted by CopperStar
After over a decade of mental health problems (starting at age 15), I have been through several professionals and labels, and I am still as confused and frustrated as I've ever been. Some of these labels have included depression, PTSD, panic attack disorder, bipolar disorder, etc. I have also theorized about me having a personality disorder (BPD, NPD or possibly even covert schizoid). But nothing fits quite right or for longer than 6 months at most throughout my history. I think I was the most accepting about the bipolar labels because mental illness runs heavily in my genes, including mood disorders and even schizophrenia in my family tree.
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I was diagnosed with antipersonality disorder in 79, BPD in 83, schizoid in 85, healthiest patient the doctor had ever seen in 92, and schizotypal pd just last month. PTSD, cPTSD, depression, anxiety, alcoholism and drug addiction. Anyway, my point is that diagnosis's are a dime a dozen - you don't like your diagnosis, go see someone else, tell them the same things and get a new one.
While I'm in therapy now, it's the first time in over twenty years and it's the first time I've told the therapist and pdoc that I have DID. They went down a checklist and disregarded it. *shrug* All they did was insure I'm done sharing anything real with them.
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Originally Posted by CopperStar
However the last therapist I saw was convinced that I had DID. To be completely honest I felt like that was completely ridiculous, and it really took me by surprise. Prior to seeing her I didn't even know that DID existed, and the more I read about it, the more I felt like it just couldn't be the case. I felt suspicious of my therapist, felt like she was trying to blame every symptom I had on disassociation or "alters" while I was trying to make a case that it was probably being caused by something else. My therapist treated me like I was just in denial, and it was an extremely flustering experience. I quit seeing her after about 6 months because I started to become very frustrated and angry with her.
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I can understand your anger. It's been my experience (ymmv), that every therapist has pet diagnosis's. I was getting the denial thing from my therapist for a bit but now I'm just agreeing with everything he says. It's amazing how much smarter I am in his eyes now.
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Originally Posted by CopperStar
My therapist's main reasons for her DID theory were
- History of childhood trauma
- Memory problems and gaps
- A whole slew of anxiety and hypervigilance issues
But I guess I started to just feel overwhelmed and like it was ridiculous when it came to some things. Like when it came to irrational, impulsive behaviors that I didn't understand, she blamed that on alters. When it came to hallucinations, she blamed that on flashbacks from fragments. Etc, etc. Plus, I don't really have different personalities with names, it's not like Matilda the French seamstress pops out or anything. When I found a forum (not this one) at the time for people with DID, everyone had lists of alters with names and everything, and I did not relate to any of that at all.
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*chuckles* @ Matilda...
I get it. Look, maybe you have it - maybe you don't. But I do get the not fitting in even in a DID forum. Forty years ago, two alters were the norm. Today, it's something like ten, and a dozen or more aren't uncommon. There have been two of us in here for fifty years and after twenty-seven years of being at each others throats, we made peace and formed team us. Hence the over twenty years without therapy.
My recent reintroduction to therapy is physically based not mental - my primary care provider (state law) isn't able to supply pain killers for chronic conditions unless he has a pdoc that concurs it is necessary. Can't see a pdoc without seeing a therapist.