I really relate to your portrait of your family - alcoholic father and NPD neglecting/rejecting mother. That is my family dynamic also. My father died from alcoholic liver disease in 2008. Prior to that I had lived with him for a couple of years, until I could stand it no longer - his drinking, his expectations that I be there for him, always, like the expectations of a child. He lived in shared housing in the year prior to to his death. I was with him in the hospital for the last 24 hours of his life and with him when he died. He was in out and of consciousness, and during a moment of lucidity, I told him that I loved him and he told me that he loved me. I was at peace after that. My father was self-absorbed, probably narcissistic traits, but he was the only one in my family who showed me any love as a child. It was inconsistent and unreliable, but we were good friends and I have been able to forgive because he was remorseful and showed me that he knew how to love in his better moments (my mother is a different story). I don't know whether that's a good thing or a deluded thing. Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see because the reality is too painful, I don't know.

Only you can know what is the best way to handle this. If this was my mother, I think I could be at peace with not saying goodbye, because she has been so monstrous throughout my life. But for my father, I needed to say goodbye. I hope you find the answers that give you peace.