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Originally Posted by TryingToMoveForward
My therapist told me I am a mild case of BPD because she didn't notice I had it. She diagnosed be as histrionic. I remember when I was feeling suicidal last November I informed some friends and asked them to check in on me. And my therapist said I had done it for attention. I remember getting very angry and upset about that. Because to some degree yes it was for attention, but I was honestly suicidal and I wanted my friends to help keep me safe. But to her I was doing it to get attention and I guess she thought I wasn't serious. Despite my history of suicidal ideation and behavior. So I got hit with histrionic, especially since I dressed alternative and had blood red hair. Funny, that when I dyed my hair brown, and stopped dressing punk, my personality disorder magically disappeared. Sorry. I'm a little bitter about this.
I was punk for over a decade. I got told I'm doing it for attention and too old, so I stopped and lost what little sense of identity I had just to counter the fact I was "histrionic".
Anyway, I'm reading that book about BPD and identify with EVERYTHING. Suddenly my behavior and feelings are making so much sense. Just because a decade ago I got a good handle on my self-harm behavior/impulses doesn't mean I'm not BPD. It just means I successfully fight the urge to hurt myself. And trust me. The urges are there. They never go away. But I don't lash out at random. I'm like...a quiet BPD. As the book said, BPD is different for everyone. It may be mild compared to other people, but its still a really big problem.
Other people don't get the sensitivity. What its like to go without validation your whole life. The abuse. Actually being abandoned. People with this disorder HAVE experienced traumatic abandonment in some form. So it isn't all in our heads and I get so angry when people say it is in our head. People say that. "Oh, that's not really abandonment..." Its like yes. Yes it is. Maybe to them it wouldn't be, but everyone experiences things differently. I get so angry over this though. So many can't fathom what I went through, and what I go through on a daily basis.
But there is an end to BPD. You can recover from it. That gives me hope. I'm really looking forward to doing DBT.
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Have you read Stacy Pershall's book "Loud in the House of Myself"? I think that you would like it. She self identifies as a "strange girl". She is living in recovery from BPD and a speaker with Active Minds and she still has bright red hair. She talks in her book about how her tattoos are part of getting better. I think it's a bit old-fashioned and a lot judgmental that your therapist believes that expressing yourself through fashion is "histrionic." Like, what are we supposed to look like? I don't even know what "normal" presentation is, fashion changes. Fashionable right now is hipster and that is sooooo not me. I have to take out my nose ring and cover up my tattoos at work but in my personal life I still really like things with skulls on them. I'm almost 35, I'm going to see Tool for the first time for my birthday. Getting boring doesn't have to be part of growing up. We are who we are. I think style might mellow out as we age but I had purple streaks in my hair in grad school (2 years ago) because I knew it was probably my last chance to do it. I did it because it was FUN. Jeez. Your therapist makes me sad, that she got too "mature" to be fun, if she ever was. Be you. F*** everyone else.