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Originally Posted by TryingToMoveForward
Its very difficult being in a world where you are more sensitive than the majority. Because the world wasn't kindly designed for overly sensitive people.
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This is so true, my God. I wish I could have this printed on a T-shirt or something. Like "Warning: Emotionally Sensitive Person." The world was not built for us who feel so much. It's overwhelming at times. Sometimes I wonder if I even HAVE depression or anxiety or if it's all related to being constantly overwhelmed and bombarded by a world that is so loud and unfathomable and cruel. Do I really have social anxiety or is it just that loud places full of people overload my senses?
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In the Survival Guide book, temperament doesn't change with therapy, its too much a part of who we are. So I'm always going to be overly sensitive. What you can change is how you deal with and react to these overwhelming emotions and stimulation. Which is the good news. But I am a little disappointed that the sensitivity isn't going to disappear so I can be like everyone else. But as long as the emotions are manageable instead of derailing, I guess it doesn't matter.
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It helps me to know when I'm "being borderline" that's my term for when I have a freakout/meltdown related to my BPD, usually feeling abandoned. So I can say to myself "I'm really tuned into my boyfriend's behavior, so the tone he used feels extremely dismissive of me. I know he's not being intentionally dismissive so instead of freaking out, I'm going to give him a chance to show that he's not being dismissive and abandoning." Like in that split second before a reaction, I can do that now where I never could - or knew I could - before. The world being too much part is still there. I say "I quit the world" at least once a day because of some news story - people being violent, heterosexist, racist, just not valuing people/animals/nature. I'm also way more tuned in to nearly intangible changes in people's behavior. I just harness it to help in my work most of the time.
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My Therapist isn't even that old. She's like...31 or 32. I love plaid, skulls, stars, studs, Marvel t-shirts, chains, heavy eye make-up. I calmed down a lot since I was a teen/in my early twenties, but apparently I was too on the edge. What baffled me was being told I like to be the center of attention when I'm socially phobic and try to disappear in group social situations. They told me I use to be that way and I was like, "Uh...I'm terrified of people and hate when they pay attention to me." But they didn't believe me. Its okay. I have the satisfaction of knowing they were wrong, as proven by a psychologist.
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Well, someone had to be one of the boring kids right? I like being different. Maybe it's because I always was and I decided to embrace it so long ago that it seems like it was my choice... I stopped wearing my hello kitty watch and my giant chunky man's Fossil wristband watch with this job. The setting is conservative so I made the choice to mellow out but I wore my Darth vader & stormtrooper ugly sweater when we had "ugly sweater" day last week. One of my best friends has always presented very "goth." She's also conventionally gorgeous. She constantly gets attention and she has always hated it. I'm sure that she would get less attention if she didn't wear the same clunky black boots that she's worn for the last 18 years and have two full sleeve tattoos but so what? Why should she change to avoid unwanted attention? If she wants to make the choice cool but if not we are getting really close to saying someone is "asking for it" you know?
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Its awful. It was really awful. And all the medications the one psychiatrist had me on. I was taking 11 pills a day. I could barely function I was so medicated, and drooling. Its amazing I still have faith in the mental health field.
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It is amazing, and I'm glad you do. Honestly I don't know if I could tell the difference between Schizophrenia and BP with psychotic features and Schizoaffective. They're so similar. I'm glad you finally got a diagnosis that's correct so you could be treated effectively.