For the past month (since Thanksgiving probably) my mood and energy level has been sky high pretty consistently. I've been sleeping strangely, going to bed pretty early then waking up at 3am and staying awake for an hour or so, then sleeping again. I have been in the absolute best mood and have been very festive and excited about the holidays. Then a couple days ago, everything just dropped. My mood/energy fell flat and I'm now trying to be positive but am filled with dread and anxiety. This happens to me every year, but I thought I was going to avoid it this year. Not only has my energy fell but I've come down with some sort of illness accompanied by body aches. The night before last I woke up at 2am and flew into a rage, slamming doors and yelling. It's when things take a turn like this and it's completely out of my control that I am reminded I really do have this illness called bipolar. I am striving to stay positive and festive and not let the bad feelings overcome me.

Does Christmas bring a feeling of dread and sorrow to anyone else? Kind of an intense subject I know but I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with this. I just have to remember these are just feelings and not really real. I think what it is for me is having to spend lots of time with my mother and her dysfunctional boyfriend. I always feel like I'm the one who has to be super positive and happy because my mom and her boyfriend are such anxious depressed, generally mentally ill people. It just brings up a lot of old wounds for me I guess.

I have a med appointment tomorrow and I'm just not sure what to say to my psych nurse. If anyone can help me say what I wrote above concisely, I would appreciate it, because I'm not sure what to call what I'm experiencing. I know my mood is currently out of my control even more than usual. Mixed episode? A rapid switch from mania to depression? I just don't know.

Anyway, sending hugs to anyone else having a blue christmas feeling.