Well for the past couple of months my father has gone into the hospital and rehab for onset of dementia like symptoms. It has been going on longer then this but the deterioration is happening rather quickly. Early this morning he was rushed to the hospital as his BP was extremely low and blood sugar 10x what its supposed to be. Infection is in him and they are trying to figure it out. In the last week he has lost 10 pounds and he is skinny to begin with. My feelings were of sadness and hurt earlier, now numb. I never learned what I feel and why. I do not handle these emotions well EVER. I could be upset and become angered, I could feel the pain inside but never sure what expressions are supposed to come out of this. I have always had some type of bond with my father that went without saying. When I was about 8 or 9 he was rushed to the hospital via ambulance and I locked myself in a closet with a survival knife held to my chest, telling my sister and our neighbor that I would not come out until I knew he was coming home. I reflect now of all the things we did in the past and at times I am overwhelmed. I have not let this get to me as I have in the last week or so. I have experienced death too many times and have been through a few life changing tragic experiences yet it seems it never get's easier. I wish I understood feelings, what to make of them and more importantly how to handle them. Life always has a very funny way of showing us all that not everyday we will wake up with people we woke with a day before. Not that there is ever a good time for someone close to go but I really feel that it's coming sooner then we all expected. With Christmas on Friday and a new year ahead why do these things find a time that becomes more than just another day? Years ago I visited my closest friend at the time on Thanksgiving in the hospital. He was fighting cancer for almost a year by this time and was 24 years old. He was fine up to this day so going there I had no idea the last time I would see him living was lying in bed completely out but with his eyes wide open with his pupils moving all over the place. Two days later he died. Two Decembers ago on the 8th my best friend was killed in a car accident leaving behind his wife and two kids. I mention this as holidays and death seem to go hand in hand. I also have been keeping my distance from seeing him for a while now as I was preparing myself for what's next. Is this right? Maybe not, but for me I feel it's what I had to do. I have not gone once to the hospital to see him since he's been in. Later today I will be going. I wish I had more when I needed it most........