Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesUnsure
I know that the details seem sort of black & white; it's hard for me to come to terms with a bit because I could never see doing the same back. I value the past relationships I've had, but I also feel that they belong in the past. The things that needed to be said were said already, and I don't need to keep them around. They will only cause a hard time for the person I care about now.
But she is from a different culture, and never abandons anyone. Part of what makes her special is her infinite capacity to care for others. I believe she really and truly does not see her actions as flirtatious; she feels as if I am not really listening to her when she says it means nothing. In her culture, it's much more common for guys and girls to maintain close friendships. So, I think there is some cultural differences here, too, and I want to respect that.
... I have a hard time making it all add up. If it were really so unimportant, why would she be so unwilling to ask him to be less sexually suggestive? That seems like such a small request compared to the amount of hurt I'm feeling. So, I have to conclude that somehow it is important. I think she is afraid that I will leave her, and so she needs something insignificant that she can feel like she would be OK if it fell apart. But, that is causing us to fall apart, potentially.
Anyway... is there any way that I can address this that is not so extreme as breaking up? I hate, hate, hate feeling this way, but I do believe this girl is special. Is there anyone that sees her perspective in this, that can help me understand?
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What is her cultural background? I'm trying to think of a culture where it's accepted for a woman to allow men to be sexually flirtatious with her when he's not her current partner but I can't come up with any.
The issue IMO is her bad boundaries. I don't think she's cheating in the traditional sense, but what she's doing is allowing someone that she's close with to not respect her current relationship and by adamantly refusing to set boundaries with him - for whatever reason - she is also disrespecting you and the relationship. What she's doing sends a message to you and to HIM that the relationship with you is not that serious, not that important to her, and that he has a chance with her. That might not be what she's intending but it's what I'd take it to mean.
I'm friends with most of my exes. Some closer than others, one I actually will go stay with for the weekend since she lives 3-1/2 hours away. She and I always had bad boundaries, being too flirtatious when we were with us. Eventually I realized that was not a great thing for either of us or our relationships. So I told her that we needed to stop being flirty. She respected me and we interact completely platonically now. Flirty is her personality, she flirts with everyone, but for me it was crossing a line and she had no problem stopping it. I am not one that would choose partners over friends, I don't like ultimatums, I believe we should have outside interests that don't include our partners and I don't think we should melt into one "person" when we are in a serious relationship. This is obviously really bothering you, and if she respects you and the relationship she will set the boundaries you ask her to set. If she doesn't, regardless of WHY, it's a problem.