i just don't want to be me anymore. i hate myself. another night alone, and it's not being kind to me. i just want to be loved. i'm tired. tired of holding myself up, being everything for myself. i need somebody to be there for me that isn't me.

i can pretend my needs don't exist, but at the end of the day i still have needs. i can't fulfill them all on my own. but there's no other person to be that for me. if only i weren't an ugly virgin loser. of course it's not like i've been actively looking for someone (social anxiety will do that). but i know pretty much what's in this town, and i don't have a chance of finding anyone anyway.

i'm sick of being told that i have time. i'm 19. we all know men don't really go for women past 25. i feel like i'm already old and ugly. i feel like i have to look like a model or no man will want me. wish i was gay sometimes.

if only i dealt better with loneliness. i can tell it's going to be a common feeling in my life.