The past (about your best friend, grandma, and your child) what makes you feel what you are feeling right now, still holding you and doesn't let you to move on. There is still hurt inside of you and that needs to be addressed and healed. I don't have much words to say for now. But you need to consider the decisions you are doing because it can make your life more miserable.

I hope you'll enjoy the holidays! Merry Christmas!