Quote:
Originally Posted by PixieRN
I was diagnosed borderline with narcissistic traits about a month or two ago. I also have a previous diagnosis of Bipolar 1. But I've been reading so many books and scholarly journal articles regarding borderline, I am beginning to seriously doubt my Bipolar diagnosis. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind the bipolar diagnosis. Med can treat it. However, I feel that there is no way to tell if my utter lack of empathy and state of complete apathy and numbness are truly BPD and NPD related or overmedicated for a disorder I wonder if I may or may not have (bipolar).
So I made the probably very VERY unwise decision to wean off most of my meds. I am currently on lithium, lamictal, abilify, celexa, wellbutrin, and adderral. I'm planning on only keeping the wellbutrin, lamictal, and adderral at this point, as I noticed an improvement in sptims when I took them. Today marks my first day fully off celexa, lithium, and abilify after a taper down. And other than feeling edgier and a bit less tolerant, I feel absolutely no difference from when I was on the full dose of everything.
Too soon to tell of course, but if things stay the same, I think I will have trouble coming to terms with the fact that my mental health is not entirely organic and rather a result of a "pathological personality" as my psychologist puts it. That will put the onus squarely on me to work my *** off to work in therapy and white nuckle my behaviors and perceptions into control. Meds won't be my pancea anymore. It will mean I fried my memory for nothing with ECT.
Anyway, I'm not looking for anyone to condone or condemn my decision. I may end up smack where I was on all my meds...and I may not. I just don't have anyone to express my thoughts and feelings to in my life at the moment (things are rough between my husband and I). I don't know what's up from down currently and I just feel the need to figure out if biochemistry is messing with me or my personality dysfunctions.
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HOLY CRAP that is a lot of meds. I'm not condemning you just be careful. It is really best to do tapering off meds under a doctor's supervision, some of them can have really horrible side-effects. They typically don't do ECT for bipolar disorder, so that strikes me as odd, as well as your T calling you a "pathological personality." You might think about whether or not you want to keep seeing those particular professionals, if you don't think they know what they're doing?
Have your husband watch for manic behavior. If you are indeed bipolar then the Lamictal may or may not prevent that by itself. You sound well informed so I assume you know what to tell him to look for. I take Welbutrin and Nortryptiline for my depression and anxiety, they don't really help BPD because it can't be treated with meds but the Nortryptiline helps take the edge off so I can better regulate my emotions. I didn't know I was really, really, really angry until I started taking them. It gives me the ability to stop and take a step back that I definitely did not have before. I believe that we have a biological predisposition to PDs and it's triggered by our environment. Research is backing that up, btw, so don't feel bad if it turns out it's not entirely organic. Look into DBT skills, if you haven't already. As you feel less tolerant, the emotional regulation can definitely help.