Sorry for the second thread, but this is a different issue.

I've been having a very hard time feeling secure in my relationship. It's nothing he's doing…he's pretty much done everything correctly. But I know I'm an awful, difficult person who's not even traditionally pretty, so I don't really understand why or how he is able to love me or how he's attracted to me so I guess I'm afraid it's all been a lie and he's just going to say ha ha just kidding! and suddenly leave me. I don't know why…he's been there through all the hard stuff and we've been both separately having difficult times in our lives.

We're both doctoral students facing a prospect of never finding jobs in our field and having to move back home with family. We've been together since we both started our degrees so we've never been together during times of low stress or actual hope for the future. So logically, if we can figure out to make it through this experience (and I'm starting to believe a doctorate is one of the worst experiences outside of trauma), then we could make it through virtually anything. Maybe I'm just young and stupid though…

I guess I come a unique situation where 3 out of our four parents married their first loves so it doesn't seem unreasonable to think that it's possible for us to be married someday despite being each other's first loves (He's had relationships before me, he just didn't fall in love with them. The closest thing I ever had to a relationship involved a guy using and abusing me.) It's not like this is a high school relationship or something either…I was 26 and he was 31 when we met. So no one's going to radically change and we mostly know (despite not having tons of experience) what we want in a partner. And besides sexual issues (which my past doesn't help at all and I believe they're fixable), he is who I would want in a partner.

The reason I'm really so afraid he's going to suddenly leave me is because he's the first person who's ever really bothered to truly listen to me. My family is absolutely incapable of emotional support so I'll have no support if something were to happen to him. And I'm just not capable of making and maintaining friendships. No one really has time for that in a doctoral degree anyway…but still, even if I did, I am absolutely terrified of people. I'm the sort that everyone will take advantage of because I'm nice and will do everything someone wants. I don't really have much in common with women and I'm even more terrified and untrusting of men.

I also tend to develop feelings for anyone who's the least bit nice to me so I'm afraid that if I make friends, I'll start having crushes on people that will jeopardize my relationship. He's aware this happens, but is secure enough to accept it. I just don't trust myself or other people. What's to stop a guy friend from taking advantage of the fact that I'm probably not going to say no or fight back? And then I'll get blamed because I would be the cheater. That's why I can't be friends with men.

I don't know why the idea of being friends with women scares me so much…they seem less likely to sexually assault me. I guess in some cases I can't see why they would want to be friends with the ugly weirdo nerd so I assume they want to use me for something. And I'm so good at being used! There are a few girls around that I feel I can trust, but still the effort to start something is so immense I feel like I have to do instead of doing school work. I can't afford to not do work during the semester.

And yes, I'm in therapy. But it moves so slowly…I'm panicking because I needed solutions yesterday! Without friends my career will be a failure before it even begins. Without my partner, I won't have anyone to listen to and support me. It has taken an extreme effort to build and maintain that relationship. I don't know if I have the energy to begin several new friendships and push them into close friendships quickly so I'll have a support system in case something happens to my relationship.