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Old Dec 23, 2015, 01:12 PM
hauntedswamp hauntedswamp is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2015
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 16
I put the majority of this post behind a trigger tag because it's a long story that involves childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse.

About two weeks ago, experienced the strongest depersonalization I have ever experienced in my life. I've experienced dissociation since I was a kid, but my experiences have been mostly mild. I experience really strong derealization fairly often, though.

Anyway, my dad and I had a very serious conversation recently about things that happened in the past.

Possible trigger:


In many ways, even though I'm an adult, I'm still that little girl crying in the corner under a blanket waiting for someone to see me, to acknowledge how real my pain is. You would think that after waiting so long, I'd be overcome with joy that it finally came.

But I wasn't.

First off, even though I finally got that moment that I've been waiting so long for, it doesn't erase the emotional history of what happened. I still experienced what I experienced -- that all is very real, and will always be real.

I felt like a computer trying to tangle with two contradicting commands, before finally shutting down. I slept for almost 2 days straight, and didn't wake up until I had a terrible, paralyzing nightmare that literally scared me out of bed. When I woke up from that nightmare, I was already standing next to the bed, screaming, looking around with wild eyes.

The next day is when the depersonalization hit me hard. I could barely function. It was like trying to control an unwieldy robot using a primitive control system -- even something as simple and automatic as walking was problematic. Honestly, being outside and going to work that day was dangerous for me, because I think I could have possibly fallen and hurt myself. Everything around me was fog, and I was nothing more than an extension of the fog. My eyes were seeing, but it was like watching television or like walking through a movie set -- nothing in front of me was real, it was all artifice. I did not feel sad, or angry, or anything -- at least not directly. It was like somebody else was having emotions, and the emotions were giving off electricity, and I could feel the electricity.

I'm slowly crawling out of that fog -- I've been able to cry a few times since that day, so that's good. It was really probably the weirdest (and in some ways, the most upsetting) psychological state of mind I have ever experienced.

In a strange way, though, I feel like it signifies some kind of changing of the tide. Maybe I'm just wishful thinking, and maybe I am just trying to find meaning in something that isn't there. Maybe I am trying to overcompensate all that misery with a false hope that equals in measure. But I feel like the depersonalization was my brain's way of restarting itself. I feel like right now there's this thing inside of me that's finally giving me permission to heal and put some of this burden down.

We shall see.
Hugs from:
Anonymous37827, Anonymous48690, unaluna