Whiteroses, our situations are almost identical, it's uncanny. It is really so comforting to hear my feelings, thoughts, etc echoed by another. Thank you for sharing, and I loved that you did not edit it for punctuation.

If it helps, I also oscillate back and forth between accepting and fighting against these realizations. I know for me it has been very difficult to a) revisit all of these emotions in a real and present way, and b) heal the festering damage that's built up inside of me all this time. But I think the back and forth is just part of wrestling with a complex situation. And I think wrestling with it is the only way to deal with it for good.