I was just diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder two days ago thanks to a trip to the emergency room. I had a sudden panic attack triggered by my psychiatrist calling to say I had missed an appointment that afternoon that I didn't know about. All of a sudden my mind was spiralling out of control because I have been dealing with more and more toxic suicidal thoughts lately and it's been getting so hard to handle, and now it's the holidays and group therapy is over for 2 weeks, and I would never be able to cope that long. In the end I was self harming in my room, feeling less and less like myself, and more frantic by the minute, until I knew something bad was going to happen unless I drove myself to the emergency room.

I got there and sat in observation for 6 hours before being admitted to the psych ward for overnight watch, and being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. They switched up my meds and I decided I was ready to go home the next day because I was no longer in crisis.

One of the patients I had become inpatient buddies with immediately (I mean I was only there for 24 hours to begin with) started making me doubt myself and what would happen when I got out in the real world again and had self destruction at my fingertips again.

So... the night I got home was extremely rough. I knocked myself out with meds because I couldn't handle feeling it. And today is slightly better but I can't stop hearing that guy's voice in my head, reminding me how easy it would be to go through with my destructive behaviours because I'm not being watched.

I am doubting very much that I have a happy life ahead of me. It's hard to make it through one day at a time. I'm scared :/ And confused. And frustrated. And I hate myself. But I don't want to.