I saw my therapist yesterday. It was another bad day of constant suicidal thoughts and plans. She told me she wants me to join her dbt group. Ugh. I've been through dbt a lot and I don't like it. She said it's evidence based and that it's almost a guarantee I would feel better if I did it and applied it. I see what she's saying but I don't think it's that simple. She said I felt too helpless and that it's not true that I can't do anything to help the depression when it comes. She's probably right. I'm not trying hard enough. But I don't want to do dbt again. I apply pieces of dbt all the time in depression and it doesn't help. I do opposite action, building mastery, distraction...half smile...all sorts of ****. Maybe I'm just willing myself to feel bad. I felt like she was suggesting I don't do enough. I'm sure that's not how she meant it but still.

I just don't want to do dbt for a freaking year. I definitely don't want to be stuck working on interpersonal effectiveness for six weeks at a time. I don't feel like I have a problem with interpersonal effectiveness. If I don't do the dbt is that like me refusing to get better? Is that me secretly wishing to stay ill? I was like that before and I don't like myself like that. I just don't think dbt will work. I mean I already do it.

I think I'm really stuck in negative thinking. Wouldn't that be turning the mind? I have to look that one up.

Christmas is not helping. I have to drag myself off the couch to make fudge and it's about the last thing I want to do. But lying here isn't helping either so...whatever.