I am sorry for your loss. I am in a similar boat with my father's death. Anger is quite common though there is no such thing as normal grief even the strict five stages are just guidelines overall. There isn't a correct way to feel or how long it will take for you to begin to move forward with one's life.

I understand your reasoning for wanting the trade between your mom and dad for the one to die instead. I was there quite soon after my dad's passing. Mom was a very vindictive person and always emotionally abusive when I was younger.

She threw the biggest punch only after a few months of his death and said he, my dad, deserved it. Though at the time she was going through a pretty rough patch herself.

She has never apologized about it and bringing up dad she becomes heavily disinterested. Not sure where you are with your mom, but I can relate and really these feelings are not any true sign of you character.

You are thinking within anger and loss. It is common to lash out at anyone and everyone. I do hope you find your coping mechanisms. There are plenty of people here that have similar struggles.

I wish you the best in your future endeavours.