Hi there. Sorry you suffered from PTSD and anxiety. It is a lot for a child to have to endure. It can take 20 years to come out of it unless you are fortunate and follow a good treatment plan.

It is natural to go into survival mode - it is also natural to try to get back to living but it is not that easy. While in survival mode one forsakes many social skills to avoid possible threats and are generally unprepared for what a peaceful childhood could have easily prepared you for.

It is hard to know whether dad was just a parent that had been spanked or beaten growing up or if really was an accident waiting to happen. In the eyes of a child we often make parents into monsters. They were in our eyes and how they affected us when we were vulnerable and over sensitive.

We can see that parents were conditioned by their own childhood and meant us no malicious harm even if we feel they did harm us. That is reconciliation or releasing the experiences. To get there in some small way hastens recovery.

PM me if you want to go more in depth.