I guess I've been so insistent in my mind that it's depression not grief. But of course it's grief. I guess I'd rather it be depression because that's more out of my control. Not my fault. But I don't suppose grief is my fault either. I think it's easier for me to focus on the bipolar rather than the trauma of losing my husband. Of course I'm upset. Christmas is probably playing into it a lot more than I've been admitting to myself. Wrapping presents was hard because I hate it and my husband always used to do the majority of it. And just little things like not being able to put "from both of us" on the tag...the present is just from me this year. It's so hard. And yeah I think there is a bit of bipolar depression at play as well...both of it together just feels impossible. But I have to keep reminding myself that suicide is not an option. I think all I can do is ride this out. Maybe that's not so bad. Maybe that's not giving up.

I hope someday I love life and want to live. It's been so long.