Which is exactly how I feel right now.

I've come into this forum a few times and discussed the past situation of abuse by my stepfather.

My T, who was the first person I ever told - EVER - has been mildly pressuring me to go see another T at a centre that specializes in abuse. I really don't want to go. But T keeps pressuring. Getting to the point where he will ask IN SESSION if I want to make the appointment (you have to do a short intake interview over the phone as I've been told) while he was there. And up until this point, I've turned him down. I always thought there were more important things to do, and I kept saying I would do it later. It's been weeks - and I haven't.

Didn't seem worth it. For one, I'd have to pay for it (my T is through my university, hence free) and it's off-campus (I live in residence) and I really didn't want to talk about this with a complete stranger. Don't want to remember, don't want to go through what happened - mostly just wanting to forget anything ever happened.

But people keep saying that some of my issues might stem from this situation so that I have to deal with it to get even remotely better psychologically. Which I didn't like to hear at all, obviously.

But yes - my appointment with T is on Monday. I'll be making the phone call to the centre this next week - probably Monday after my session.

I'm petrified. What if they ask me too many intrusive questions? What if they ask who hurt me, what if they ask really personal questions like that? What if one of the two people my T recommended - what if they don't like me, what if I don't like them, what if I can't trust them, what if I can't tell them anything? What if they're mean to me? What if they push me too hard?

I'm scared. I don't think I can get through this. I know now that I need to do this, but I am so scared.

Help me. Please. Tell me I'm being irrational, tell me that it's nothing to worry about. Can you tell me what to expect?

I don't know what to do. Depending on how hard it is, T might be seeing my twice this next week. He's not going to be happy with me. But I told one friend who's been really supportive that I'm doing this and he said that that was "Great!" If it's so great, why am I scared?

I don't want this anymore. I can't deal with this pain anymore. Don't want the memories. Don't want to flinch when people touch me some places. Don't want to remember either. Can't deal with the emotions. So overwhelming.

Thanks for listening, sorry it's so long.