I understand but from the perspective of the other person- the one who is emotionally distant.. I sense that my bf has the need for lots of communication, laughing, joking around and teasing... I've not really been like this since I can remember.. although I have tried to be more for him to meet that need he has. I've always been shy and socially awkward. When I did speak up it seemed like others ignored or dismissed me, or didn't even hear me cause I'm so quiet. So I stopped trying to communicate. The best success I've found is when I drink alcohol to the point of buzzing or more than that even.

I've been going to therapy for the past three years since my last relationship ended. One psychologist told me that introversion makes sense considering I had such a critical, emotionally closed off, and angry/harsh/scary father. I just went inward to deal and to stay safe.

I let myself be vulnerable and open up in many relationships before this last one, and before the abandonment by my old t... those things took everything out of me and I don't feel love so much like I used to, even though I really do believe our think I want to. I guess I'm probably just fearful and untrusting at this point. I never really did trust anyone after my first love broke up with me, and I really intensely do not trust anyone after my ex t abandoned me after a 15 year relationship (client/t - borderline friendship one).

Idk, I want to love, I really do, but I've already warned this guy that I don't have a heart. He argues and says he can see that I do by the way I treat others. I told him that since I've known him my heart is maybe this much there, and showed him the smallest little distance between my thumb and fore finger.

I'm also really worried that I'm bringing him down-- that my depression/numbness/desire for social isolation and being socially awkward/freakishly quiet when we do go out-- is going to be incompatible with his needs for the long haul. I see him, he loves conversation, going out with friends and is a social butterfly.. he's always happy, positive and teasing/joking around.. and his friends seem to be that way too... Idk what, if any, need of his I'm actually meeting to where he is considering what seems like a long term relationship...

and deep down, even though I don't want to, I know I'm subconsciously going to push him away, sabotage the relationship... because that way the past repeats itself, I stay a victim and emotionally hurt as I'm used to, and therefore have some control over when (not if) he rejects me. It will be because I subconsciously didn't try (as hard as I could) to meet his needs... does that make any sense?

There really is a part of me (And I can it the introject- the internalized part of my parents that was abusive and wanted to hurt me), that wants to hurt others. Which is totally f-ed up I know... it's because I've been hurt. So to get rid of it out deal, pass it on to others. But I don't want to and it is a conscious choice I make not to. I've been in a lot of therapy and I plan on staying in therapy and working on it (though I could admittedly work harder... I never saw my dad work to hard to change however and that somehow effects my desire to want to change to please a man)..

oh right and there's also the hatred of men below the surface that doesn't help, because my dad devalued me for being a girl. I was weak and lesser in his eyes, than my brothers...still am. There's also the part of me that actively rebels from and gets angry at my dad, and this shows itself in my current relationship. My dad is also argumentative as f#!@ and has to ALWAYS be right, our better than, and one up everyone. This shows itself in the reel landfill with bf at times although I do not want it to.

All these things I have to constantly work on, work against, and make conscious decisions about. Sometimes when I am worn down or stressed out though, the ugly comes out by default... the emotionally closed off, flat affect, judging criticizing stare, the hatred, the rejection...

Wow really long, didn't set out to write all that, it just came pouring out... maybe I should show bf this post. But I'm scared to open up to him further. He already knows about my dad btw cause I have told him. He says he can't see it though. Maybe I don't trust him with the deeper extent of it because he won't even try to understand my feelings towards my father, and how I felt with him as a father growing up... how I felt he treated me... if bf doesn't even trust/believe it support me with that surface piece, why go into the deeper emotional issues? Why try to get close to someone who will obviously never understand?