I certainly cannot diagnose you, but I can say that I have BPD as well as (seemingly lifelong) major depression... as well as a few other diagnoses.

Anyway, I can understand how dark life can feel. Years ago, I bought a Hallmark ornament made of etched wood. It says "hope". I have held onto that ornament ever since ~ and keep it in my bedroom, within easy sight. I look at it ALL of the time, and repeat the word in my head. Hope means everything to me. I have to have it. Know what I mean?

Along those same lines, I also hold onto things that remind me of the good in life. My daughters, my T, Psych Central, my Psych Dr, nature, etc. Those are all things in life that I treasure, and they bring me strength. Reminding myself of that reassures me in darker times.

Perhaps you could try doing something similar, to hold onto some hope for yourself? Gentle hugs & best wishes to you.

I also like to remind myself that I can never be too hopeful ~ I have a definite pattern of sticking to the darker side of life.