I realize I am on my own with whatever I feel. Before I still had some kind of idea I could see a doctor and I was even promised a nurse contact before that was taken away. In the past I knew psychiatry could not help me... but it is sort of different now, now I really know they will not. Not under any circumstances.

I never had the need to talk. Them messing things up for me and scaring me like before I at least had my meds.... now I can't even be sure of them, they are taken from me without a reason and I get very scared... where I was OK before.

So they created a need for me to talk. But not to them. I wonder whom I can talk to. Maybe I can go to church. I have no safety net at all now! I have no idea how it happened but it scares me.

I have a friend but I have to hide things from her cuz she has a ton on her plate also she doesn't understand depression and anxiety. She tries but she can't.

I feel hurt betrayed and abandoned.

I hate this.

I thought I did OK on my own just relying on my own strength and meds but when they started messing up my meds for kicks.... then I realize how dependent I was. I wasn't strong and free at all. I just knew talking to them would just hurt me more and I had some pride in taking care of myself. It worked as long as they didn't sabotaged me.

More crap that sorta doesn't come from my illnesses, comes from more healthcare related trauma.

Grr.