And typing here helps me to stop typing to my Son. I get obsessive acting - somehow part of my bipolar, and I will bug and bug and bug and not be able to let something go. This gives me the illusion that I am doing something practical and helpful to myself, even though I am not.

I haven't written him back yet, and won't let myself. But I can tell I am in that mood where I will think of nothing else for hours - stay up ridiculously late obsessing over it, trying to stay busy. He has no idea how him stopping by with his wife and kids has been on my mind for weeks. I have made food over and over for this little visit, and for the past few days I thought about it, rehearsed how it would go - create and rejected ideas for it, getting all worked up about it.

I really want to open the door 6 inches, shove out the bag and scream "go away" and be done with this yearly perfunctory ritual. I feel trapped by tradition. Angry at myself because I am handling the whole thing more weirdly then last year. On one hand, I was better prepared, and on the other - his not just saying what day they will stop by is causing huge anxiety and triggering episodes.

Normal people would be like, "No problem, see you when I see you". And me, I want to just scream "JUST TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE COMING". They KNOW I am a recovering agoraphobic, but its all about what I have done wrong, and not about accommodating my illnesses. I get it, they both have jobs and 3 kids. Me, I stay at home and live off the government - I don't need respect. This judgementalness comes from the child I raised to not respect me when I don't act like a good mother should.

So take my advice, people with illnesses who are raising children. Don't ignore your illness. As well as you think you are doing, you may be actually being effected by your illness and not know it at the time. Do your best, and explain your illness to them but don't tell them bad things about yourself and cut yourself down. There are probably books about how to talk to children about it.