Hello gmclaughlin484: The Skeezyks welcomes you to PsychCentral! First of all, I'd like to second what Echos Myron wrote. I also wonder though. You wrote that you're ashamed of your past & forcing yourself not to go down that road again. But you still get aroused watching shemale porn. You wrote that you want to have sex with women, not men or shemales. Is this what you genuinely prefer at this point? Or is it what you've decided you should prefer? From my perspective, I think there is an important distinction here. Ultimately you can't force yourself to be something you're not. You can try. But in the end it will only bring you misery.

So again from my perspective, I feel it is important to be clear in your own mind with regard to where your sexual orientation really lies. This may very well be something you'll need therapeutic help with to figure out. And this is where finding a non-judgmental therapist comes in. It is also important to find one who is knowledgeable about & experienced in working with individuals who have sexual orientation issues. Just because a person is a therapist doesn't mean they know anything about sexual orientation issues. A therapist who is lacking in the appropriate skills & experience can do more harm than good, in my opinion.

There is also another distinction here I would like to draw. From what you wrote it sounds as though you had allot of casual sex with people who were pretty-much strangers. You've also spent quite a bit of time involved with porn. And it sounds as though you have a fair amount of guilt & shame built up around that. It is important, I believe, to differentiate between sexual orientation, on the one hand, & sexual activity, on the other. Simply because a person is gay, does not mean that they necessarily engage in casual sex & pornography. In the past, when LGBTQ people were even more discriminated against than they are today, many were forced by society into this type of lifestyle. However, nowadays, LGBTQ people have long-term committed relationships, marry & raise families. So even if, in your heart-of-hearts, you are gay, that doesn't mean you have to be engaging in casual sex with strangers & spending time watching porn. Does that make sense?

As far as how to overcome your past goes, this is something I have allot of experience with. There is a mountain of stuff in my past I wish never would have happened. It haunts me day-in & day-out... morning, noon & night. But the reality is that it all happened. I can't change any of it. And you can't either. So, from my perspective, what is important is to be able to accept what is in the past & move on. It does no good to try to stuff these memories down or to try to ignore them. In fact, this just makes them come back all the stronger. So what I do is: when a difficult thought or memory comes up, I welcome it. I smile to it & breathe into it. Sometimes I will place my hand over my heart as a sign of compassion for it. It is like a little troll that has popped up to pester me. But it has no power over me beyond what I give to it. I can accept it with lovingkindness & compassion knowing that it is in the past & I am a different person now. And then I can allow it to fade away of its own accord. There's no denying that sitting with emotionally charged memories can be difficult. But it is possible. And it gets easier over time... not easy... but easier...

The Skeezyks wishes you well...