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Originally Posted by hazn
I know it might sound like I'm being self-absorbed and not considering how she might be feeling, but that's not what's happening here.
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You are being self-absorbed, as well as judging her and thinking ill of her. It's coming out more and more, the more you post, so it also doesn't surprise me that as that happens, you switch your strategy from making lots of posts trying to understand, to suddenly deciding you'd best just not think about it anymore.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hazn
If you care about someone, you want the best for them even if you can't be with that person. You don't deliberately do something which you know is going to hurt them. I can't imagine a scenario where I'd cut someone out like that, I really can't. That's so hypocritical...
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This is a passive-aggressive accusation that she never cared about you, deliberately tried to hurt you and is a hypocrite. You're mad at her and seem to try to mask it with "I just want to understand". No you're pissed. Try owning that feeling instead of needing to be the "good one." It's okay to be pissed. It's better to just own it as a natural part of the grieving process, than to try to mask it with self-righteousness that gives you away, regardless.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hazn
It doesn't make sense. How can you claim that you've bonded with someone in a way you haven't with anyone else; to have something special and unique; make out you have unconditional love for that person; and then just discard everything in a moment?
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Probably in the exact same way you described earlier on. You're insecure and needy. If someone wants to have a relationship with you, they have to constantly reassure you. And because you come across as so sensitive, most people will be afraid to tell you the truth lest you fly off the deep end over it. After you've pressured someone into pretending like everything is fine, you turn around and disparage their character for pretending like everything was fine, and try to diagnose them with a personality disorder.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hazn
Because if there was any true and meaningful attachment, if there was compassion and empathy, I don't see how that could ever happen. I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, let alone the person I love.
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You've obviously never been put to the test, because your own attachment style keeps you in a state of desperation. Don't confuse desperation with higher morality. If you are desperate to hold onto people and desperately lonely, that is what will keep you from letting people go. Not some saintly dedication to having infinite energy, patience and love for other people, as you seem to want to believe about yourself. There are tons of reasons as to why Person A might need to let Person B go, even though Person A shared meaningful experiences and felt love for Person B. Just because you lack the experience in life to understand that, doesn't make it not so. You will likely gain experiences that will teach you these things once you are no longer a very desperate person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hazn
I end up in this cycle which honestly makes me feel like I must have a personality disorder or something.
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The self-righteous narcissist with a martyrdom complex. You definitely don't seem malignant or predatory to me, though. I wouldn't go so far as to speculate that you have a full-blown personality disorder. But you do express having the vulnerable traits. Own your ****, especially your anger, and you'll probably heal much faster.