My T really wants me to do this, he says that my anger is what is holding me back from healing right now. But he wants to make sure I am safe and take it as slow as I can. He knows how scared I am to do this, and my fear of losing everyone because I release it. I turn the anger inward now towards myself, by self medicating and cutting.

I finally told him yesterday in email that I would do this, he emailed me back today letting me know he needs to think about how to do this in a safe place, and that he thinks I should take a few sessions to take it slow. Not sure he realizes how scary this is for me, I tried to tell him that on the phone. He said he wouldn't leave me, and there wasn't anything I could do or say that would shock him or push him away.

The last time I came close to letting the anger out, was 12 years ago when I was pregnant for my youngest. I had a fight with my brother, and I was scared to see how much anger was at the surface, and how much I wanted to hurt the one hurting me. It wasn't a fight that warranted so much anger, I couldn't control it. Everybody sees me as someone different, I have put on the face for so long that I don't even know who I am anymore.

I disclosed to my family about 3 months ago, I know alot of the puzzle fell into place for some of them. Over all most of them are very supportive right now, one brother that abused me apologized to me. Another hasn't admitted doing wrong, and is still saying I "wanted it", I was eight when he started with me! He comes to my house after being told not to, and intimidates me, I freeze to that little girl again.........

My T says I have come along way in the last year, he has helped me so much, I trust him and believe in him. I just wish sometimes he knew the fear I still have about just talking about what I went through. He gets it but doesn't all the time. I started seeing him for bearevement counseling, after mom died. He knew something else was going on inside my head, and after about 4 months with him he got me to talk about the CSA, and disclose for the first time to anyone in my life. We have done role playing, he was my Dad and I was me, we have done hypnosis for healing and finding a safe place for me, hypnosis to stop abusing the ativan. I have done alot with him, told him everything and yet this is really scaring the hell out of me for him to see me out of control!! I don't understand what is happening and why I don't want to do this????

Wow that was longer then I planned it to be........sorry, but thanks so much for the replies it helps alot to know I am not alone in feeling this way!