i'm ESL
your issue is complex
i know a situation like this'
these was a person,some intrusive thoughts(same like yours) comes to his mind and he suffered from it
he went to psychiatrists and took different medicines and counselling
no he is ok

i'm not just tell you 'go and see a therepist' but
1) your problem can fixed by a professional because intrusive thoughts repeatedly comes to you mind
if it rarely comes to your mind ( like 1 or 2 times per day ) some advice and behavior lessons will cure it. but only professionals know to how to solve complex
(i mean by therapist - psychiatrists and counselor,)

2)taking pills and counseling ( Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is the best method
OCD and anxiety not only cured by medicine , but medicine + counseling must need, many people who take only pills are just undercontrol not cured )
i saw this in many real life persons


keep your intrusive thoughts problem secret,but
when you see a therapist tell him everything without hide, a psychiatrist doctor told me ' if you are more open to your therapist it give more good result to you'

and you need to change some your life routines

replay here