Quote:
Originally Posted by continuosly blue
This is the only part of your post I wanted to comment on because I think it pretty much sums up everything about you.
Your at war with yourself. Why ? Because society itself is a contradiction.
Where is this war your fighting coming from ? Societies contradictions or from inside yourself ? Why do you disparage yourself because you are overweight ? Because society says it's not healthy for you or because you can't get into that dress you'd love to wear ?
You say you are a "fat undisciplined piece of trash ". That is a self esteem issue. You can either accept the way you are and be more happy with yourself , or subject yourself to the discipline needed to reach a certain goal.
Where does this mysterious discipline come from anyway ? Is it a learned response ? Is it an innate part of our personality ?
People who want to make money off your misery are the ones that bombard you with all the mixed signals that have jammed up your brain right now.
You live in a world where they try to make everything easier for you but on the other hand much harder.
If you were to living in a different country or society from ours you probably wouldn't have this excruciating pain of having to choose. You would automatically get very thin from starvation. Circumstances and probabilities.
What a great role they play in our lives.
Anyway stop beating yourself up over this and just live your life. If you are hurting anyone it's only yourself. When and if you ever want to change , you will.
BTW: Even if you can get the discipline needed to end you inner quarrel you probably will wind up with a different reason to beat yourself up as most people with mental illness seem to do. Just an observation.
Best to you  |
Well, that one defining quote is a perfect example of the mindset I get into when I'm in this state. A lot of weirdly good things happened after I wrote this post, but I'd like to respond to you.
I compare myself. A lot. So I'm easily unnerved by people's bragging about how they turned themselves around, how this one is vegan and that one never touches anything processed ever and all of them work out for an hour at 6am everyday while maintaining regular lives and I'm just sitting here thinking...wow I'm a failure at life.
Just a little while ago some old comments from a discussion thread about weight and health popped into my head: a former fat person saying how the greed, gluttony, and lack of self-control make overweight a moral issue and those who overeat waste resources with their habits. Yes, that terrified me, had me wondering if I should starve myself as penance for all the waste if committed. Except I don't have the discipline to do that.
As to where it comes from, I wonder the same thing.
Now I mentioned food being my biggest discipline issue: I stop and buy snacks almost every day, and I eatsweets with such a frequency it'so often in place of real food. One thing I did a couple hours ago is list reasons why I want to break this habit and one of the biggest was simply, I feel better, physically, when I eat well. Frame it as being disciplined and I'll stress myself out. Frame it as self care and it's about easier.
But I came close to letting myself be emotionally set off, and it's always matters of health that do this to me.