i understand how confusing things can be. i have trauma memories, but i also do not have a lot. while i do have certain memories, i don't always feel much about them..maybe because once they came to my awareness, there was some processing that was done. but sometimes there can be intense emotions about it when talked outloud about.

for the memories i do not have, i have emotional triggers/responses but no visuals..so they are kind of like body memories, i guess, to some degree which i haven't figured out all the triggers to yet and cannot process linked memories so still have the reactions to randomly.

i can connect some traumatic things to what 'i' went through, but they are still so distant too, so it still seems quite disconnected to me...i do not know my system well so don't know who, if any, hold memories or when they developed as they have been there from as long as i can remember (at least five years old). i also don't know how much i was present for or how much they blended with me throughout childhood since things have changed and i lost communication/knowing who is around still, if there was integration, if any went to sleep, disappeared..i do not know..so i can understand not knowing things and having confusion when trying to figure things out.