I've felt balanced again. I had a great Christmas and am actually looking forward to reeling in the New Year. I do have unrelenting anxiety. It's probably from some devious behavior that I have become paranoid about. I spent a couple of hours making sure some information was not uploaded to ICloud. I had to call my husband and tell him I reset his password because I was afraid something bad would happen if my cell phone or IPad was stolen. I have FEAR! I'm clearly listening to The Stones - Paint It Black in particular, which has my stomach churning. My kids are sleeping soundly one room over and I am otherwise by myself as my husband works. I have checked and rechecked the locks. I've not had contact with any man or woman; that is not the issue...and I've gained too much weight to be attractive to anyone other than my husband regardless. I fear terrible things. I'm not wearing shoes...I'm barefoot and my feet are black, black because I so desperately need to mop the floors. I still have one room in the house to clean tonight before I go to sleep. I am much more awake at this time of night than I have been in some time. "Like a newborn baby it just happens ever day." "It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black." "Paint it Black, yeah." What can help me? I ran out of Klonapin and, since I am out of refills, I cannot fill it until I get an actual script from my pdoc. It's like this one time, when I was babysitting a friend's little girl, I saw a truck similar to her husband's truck sitting at the stop sign in front of my house and decided that it was her husband spying on me, making sure I didn't let the kids watch tv all day (as they had actually been doing, of course). He was at work and I knew it. I called him and asked if it was his truck out front wondering "if he had to leave early for some reason thinking that one of his girls was sick." He, of course, said he was busy at work. I know he thought I was insane after that. Then again, I've heard him say he is manic depressive so maybe he just gets me. Anyway, it is that kind of fear. The fear that seeps WAY down in your gut. The fear that burns you inside. The fear that never relents. I am just sick. I can dance to this Paint It Black. I can dance and it will feel like I am dancing away my fear. But in fact, it is causing me to laugh...that kind of hysterical laugh...that kind of laugh that you just cannot help but express...the kind that screams from your mouth without your permission. But, it is fruitless as I am alone. Can someone please help before my life turns to tears...before my sadness returns? Can someone please tell me what to do? I feel like a child.