I'm really angry all the time. I feel like just getting in fights and just self destructing and just vent my energy in any way when I'm in these situations. It's not that the other person is happy with whomever or that they are in a relationship and I'm not.

It's a very painful insecurity, I feel a very lack of me. I am an asshole. I'm not going to hold that back and try to justify it's ok to do some of things I've done or will do, but they came a bad place. I didn't like being this way, but I usually don't talk to people anymore and I hate being around most people because they screw me over or I get jealous and I avoid bringing up and I rarely get into drama it finds me from someone else. I internalize everything, because I live in a house all my life and an environment where I can't feel or say certain things because the other people like to **** on me.

Love is impossible when there is no trust or validation or just feeling like you matter from yourself within or when you do from within and they don't. You try to trust them, but it always ends in disappointment. I feel so bad for the girl who would like me, because I feel she do so much better instead of trying to be faithful to me, because she probably lose her patience. I hate people. I truly do.

I realize I smoke weed to escape the feeling I'm stuck with. I didn't want this, but I didn't have much of a choice. Making better life habits socially and emotionally are near impossible for me. I've went out my way for so many people and no one gives any reason to try to show their gratitude. The only that did I never see much anymore and one of them died recently.

Really I'm so damaged, I feel it's not worth it hurting someone else and feeling worse about it later because you are hurting and the other person can't do anything about it. I feel like a leech and that I deserve anything. My mother makes it clear how my feelings don't matter.

A lot of people now don't know how badly I've really wanted to die, because of this. My whole life has been like this, trying to be enough for myself and when being told your best isn't enough all the time hurts.
I can't have kids, my 2 exes ago told me all the time how ****** I was for things I didn't do or had control over. Blaming problems that weren't mine and forcing me to care, using the phrase I will leave you if you don't call my friend about my cat or something so stupid or something like if you don't have sex with me a third time I think you're cheating.

Like I grew up with no say. I tell everyone to go away because I need that boundary. I get angry and break **** and blow up to express I don't care about your silly games or your feelings you didn't care about mine. I hope you feel bad for this.

This has bothered today especially my two managers are jerks separately and are very ignorant folk. They are simple closed minded people who are blaming others for their own mistakes or making drama out of nothing type of people. They seem to be everywhere in northern ky while doing meth and whatever. Anyways, they are dating now and combining their worst qualities making my life harder than what it shouldn't be. Making out when they should be working yelling at me to get **** done, and they are having fun.

This stuff people do getting so enamored over someone is like a different world to me, I used to be that way many years ago. I'm not like that, I'm distant now. I hate intimacy. I hate saying I love you. I would literally smack myself and get angry for feeling or even mentioning it. I'm very critical over others when it comes to my own vulnerabilities. I get very angry and hurt when people want more than friends. I don't trust people.

It's very very very hard for me. I'm not looking for a reason to trust people anymore. I'm too hurt. Simply put it, therapy hasn't helped my environment makes it worse every day I want to know if I want to die today or not. I'm that disconnected from everyone. I really liked this girl who liked me back, but I didn't want to admit it, because I don't want a new person in my life to lose over my **** or someone to leave me or die or whatever. I feel very horrible for her, I feel guilty and I just want it to stop and she go away, but I won't tell her that, because I like her and respect her as a friend. She really has a thing for me and is really pretty and I couldn't stop crying how hard it is for me to do any of this.

Simply I don't want love it's not real I don't believe in it. I didn't convince myself this, it's just every time I tried to believe otherwise it never happened. It goes a very long way.

The hardest thing all my closest friends make more out of what they are given and have and I used to have it. I don't as much or nearly like they do. I really taking it out on myself starving binges and over exercising, because I hate how I look and I feel it's all my insecurities is why people don't like me. I sometimes don't like showing my face in public I'll wear hoodies or I run away from people by running past them not glancing or paying notice.

Most people see me as indifferent in appearance, but if only people knew what this was like.

I made it clear I can't have kids, I don't want to fail anymore people I don't want to make anymore mistakes in life. I don't want to be tied to someone and I don't need someone to drag me into something I don't care about.

Yeah I'm a jerk so what most people are too. It doesn't change whether I'm happy sad or angry. It's always the same.