In 2 days - the 29th - it is my little sister's birthday. She would've been 31 this year. I'm 6 years older than her. She's been gone since September 2014.

It's interesting because my birthday has come twice since then (I'm on the 20th, only 9 days before hers) and my own birthday has been more difficult emotionally in remembering her than hers has been, which I did not expect last year. It kind of just came upon me and swept me away.

This last month I've been dreaming of her almost every night. Some of the dreams have been downright horrendous. Others have been just normal dreams (well, insomuch as dreams can actually be), where she is still alive and we're hanging out, either just the two of us or with other family/friends.

It's weird to me that, beyond the grief that hits me occasionally, the most difficult aspect of losing her has been wrapping my mind around the reality of it. Like, not being in denial, but the realization that this person who is in nearly 30 years of my memories is just gone. The memories will always be there, of course, but the person attached to them is no longer here.

On my birthday this year I was sitting on my couch looking out the window into the ravine. It was just before 7 am; I have insomnia so I'd already been up a few hours prior to that. My phone went off on the table beside me and I looked up and her name was there; it was a text message under her name. At first I thought I was reading it wrong but I wasn't. Turned out my dad (who'd given her the phone to use the last year or so she was alive) had then given it to my brother, and it was my brother messaging me. I can't even begin to say how triggering that was.

Life is such a strange gig.

Wishing you all peace, light, and safety.