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Originally Posted by Claritytoo
I just finished reading someone's thread and I am at a loss. I read about how people here have horrific memories and feelings about what happened to them. The have parts that remember the abuse, the fear, the pain. I was abused when I was little. I only have fragments of it. I have not emotions attached to the fragments. Just visual memories but no feeling. Someone else has the feeling for those memories. But none of it comes to the surface. Sometimes there are breaks in reality like derealization or dissociation, but I don't have an understanding that these things happened to me. I don't know how to explain it. I almost don't relate to most of what I read on this site. I know I have a system and that we all have jobs and that most of us have jobs that enable us to function in the world. What I don't have much communication is with the parts that function in my system to protect me from remembering, I don't even know who I would be if I could remember. Would I be unable to function in the world. Would I become one part. It's so confusing. We are afraid to become just one of us but how do we become all of us in one place at the same time.
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I'm sorry hon, this condition can be so bewildering with too many open ended questions that go unanswered- scary. Everyone's system is different, so things are not going to be the same.
What's common to everyone that's relatable is trauma at a very young age, dissociation, and the emergence of other parts. After that, life experiences dictates the direction that the parts will evolve and function.
I too have a fear of being a singleton....it's an unknown. I too can't communicate with my parts that are memory vaults to the worse parts of my trauma...that means that they are doing their job and best be left to a professional to unlock because they are hidden from us for a reason- we can't handle them on our own like in the first place.
As far as functioning, it's got to be better than what I've been doing, I imagine. But who am I as a singleton? Will I be me, or the other one, or a mix? One has got to have hope that things will all be better (or at least different) in these matters and put their trust in the process.
The way that you described yourself is exactly how things are with me:
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I was abused when I was little. I only have fragments of it. I have not emotions attached to the fragments. Just visual memories but no feeling. Someone else has the feeling for those memories.
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I hope that nothing that I've said has confused you. We tend to go blah blah blah a lot, maybe we shouldn't. I've thought about deleting this account often....
Anyways, I hope that you are feeling better and that healing is just right around the corner!
