Quote:
Originally Posted by kamikazebaby
TL;DR version of the story: I was with one girl who was heavily into reading up on disorders and she pointed to the definition of BPD one day and said that it was what I had. Needless to say, I was extremely offended and dismissed it (it wasn't very credible coming from her, IMO). But later, another partner said she had been doing some reading and wondered if I didn't have BPD. Both very upset and unsettled, I told her (after I calmed down) that my ex had said the same thing about me. It was only later when I went back into therapy that I was diagnosed with it (the last time I had seen a therapist before that was when I was 14/15).
My family never figured out what my deal was, thankfully. To this day I have never told them, and I never will. It would just be something to use against me, something to invalidate my feelings and thoughts with (just like my ex did). As a matter of fact, I don't tell ANYONE in my life anymore about my BPD for that very reason. Only one person in my life now knows about it, and that's only because she has been around for a while and learned about it back when I was more open with people.
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For me, it's been one diagnosis after another. I'm planning on therapy for the long haul this time - probably because I'm secure that I finally found the right therapist.
First it was dysthymic, then Major Depression, then ADHD, then Bipolar. Now I'm just waiting on BPD. Even without the diagnosis I can definitely see some of the traits in myself.
When I first started reading about ADHD I read something about "blink". Basically someone is talking and you just completely, yet involuntarily, zone out.
Reading your experience reminded me of one of my own which at THAT time I chalked up to blinking since it was the only thing I had to go on at the time. Now I wonder if it isn't tied to other dysfunctions in my psyche.
I was having a convo with a friend when they said to me, "If I have a problem, I don't come to you. You never listen to what I have to say."
You do not want to hear this from one of your best, oldest friends. I reached out to another friend basically expressing the hurt at that comment. These two are also old friends - I introduced them to each other. The response I got was, "Well you don't listen. You're always off in Cynthialand."
So I went to a friend outside of the circle - someone only I was close to who basically confirmed what they said and I was still in denial thinking she was just jumping on the bandwagon.
So I went to another friend Cara, God Bless her. I said, "Do you feel like I don't listen to you when you talk?"
She said, "Sometimes, but that's OK, because I totally do that to you too!" LOL. She's ADHD also.
But I recently had some difficulty with one of those friends b/c we didn't spend Thanksgiving together. She's all the "family" I have down here and I'm always with her and her family for the holidays UNLESS they have gone out of town or something. And the icing on the cake was to find out that she had cancelled her plans to go elsewhere (long story) and stayed home and had another friend (I introduced them) over, but b/c that friend and I had a falling out, she didn't want to make either one of us uncomfortable she didn't invite me. The reason she had the other friend was b/c that friend had invited HER to Thanksgiving, but they were all going to do something else. When she had to change plans I was the one who never got an invite and I was DEVASTATED.
Basically, in my no shades of gray it was:
She stayed home
She didn't invite me
She invited my ex friend who I had only recently stopped talking to because she verbally attacked me and ex friend ADMITTED that she had verbally attacked me
She betrayed me
The end.
She got mad that I was laying guilt on her ("I didn't know I had to check with you before I made plans") but it took me forever to get her to see that whatever her reasons for doing it, SHE HURT ME.
Seriously hoping to pull my life together with therapy. Kinda missing my therapist. Can't wait til Weds.