What do you really "win" though? Control? You developed a mask of having a certain way of getting others to think you are "all that" right? But once you get through that entire loop you just lose interest and go find another because you just can't dive any deeper. It's way too uncomfortable for you to go any deeper, much too vulnerable, that is where the anxiety and anger is, the boundary you just will not let others others cross or see. So you just throw them away right?

Oh, I don't blame any of you, how could I if that is how you had to learn to thrive because of how you were treated by your parents? They abandoned you, so that is what you learned to do too as it gives you a sense of "control" over that loss you struggled with yourself. Well, one can't do something no one showed them "how" to do. That is the mirror, it's you in the picture because no one ever showed you how to see others in order to have that "you" had to be seen that way yourself, which you were not.