Not really what I experienced. They value control over love. I don't like how yesterday at work when they were getting affectionate while I'm working my butt off they always yell at me. He's all enamored over her and getting love drunk. Love drunk people annoy me a lot. I don't get like that ever anymore. I think it's a weird feeling once enjoying it now despising it. Like I see people get taken advantage of all the time when they are love drunk. It makes no sense why you should just be head over heels over someone you don't know.
I don't know how to like or love people anymore, because I don't like going out my way for nothing. I don't like helping people who don't care. I'm high maintenance and being expected to drop everything for someone else to run away get married and have kids suddenly isn't my life goals.

I'm not sorry for anyone I upset, because if they planned on having kids it won't be with me. I'm not continuing the cycle. I'm not going through hell again. I'm not going to lame therapy that barely helps and I don't want to do couples therapy I don't want to look like how I did with my last exes and my parents. I don't want any of that, I want someone to see past all my pain and actually care about me. That never happens.

So I don't believe people when they say they love me. I don't give them chances on certain things, because I can't do that without self sabotaging myself or the relationship or ended up getting screwed over. I stay alone, because it's the easiest I can do, but it's frustrating when everyone has it happened so easily, but for me it's like impossible. I know it has to do with me, I'm not denying anything. I just hate it, I can't do much, because no one cares to give me any chance at anything always downplaying me and expecting me to be less than a person. I hate people because they don't appreciate me.

I get so angry when other people who treat me like crap talk about how great everything is and I want to beat the **** out of them just to shut up. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

I don't act on anything, because my consequences of acting mature I am on a balancing act all the time of being too submissive or aggressive and the other person is too ignorant to understand anything what I'm saying.

I usually have drawn in superficial friends or girls that want to hook up and have sex with me and at the same time asking for a relationship or something unexpected that isn't needed. Like have double expectations that aren't addressed till later. Like I hate that, why do people go saying I love you after hooking up and not knowing the person and expect a lasting relationship. I tell those people to go away, not because I don't like them, I don't like doing that. It's not ok with me. It's rushing and it's a disaster waiting to happen. I know what it's like being screwed so badly you can't even tell if you do anything right and when you try to make any relationship happen it never shows up. For others, they ask me why am I always alone. I'm like because no one does **** with me or ****s with me so I don't **** with them.

People pretend and I'm now at a point where I can't get very mean or disrespectful with honesty or just not being rude and being honest about what someone says to me or something about them they should know. I really don't care about someone else's feelings, when I see they don't about mine. I make everything very cut dry and clear of what is going on and that I am not interested in many types of relationships people have period, because of me. I feel like the failure and I don't want to drag others down or feel that I have to be enough. I'm sick of hearing on here and everywhere I have to love myself or work on myself. Because I've been doing that for a long time and it's not given the results it says for others. I'm not impatient or doing it wrong. It's just it doesn't happen like that for me.

I don't live in some fantasy where my dreams come true, they haven't. Most of the time I wish I was dead and I wouldn't think of any of the people I was around, because I wish they knew the specific people knew how they make me feel. I used to rely on people, I don't ever. They don't like it that I don't. I don't care. I saw they only like putting me down and I'm not around people who build me up enough. Many days I want to just run as fast as I can and get away from all of this.

I never really had what people call family it's just superficial. When I was with them at christmas of course we get along great and have a good time, but I don't know why for me. It's like a wall, with my cousins who are my age they don't hang out and go and have fun and invite me to things like we used to. Same with my friends my parents move on and just drop me off and leave me at some random place and just go to a casino and I'd be out in some bad neighborhood waiting for someone to hopefully come get me.

It's happened alot. I don't have anyone dependable. I don't saying I love you, it's like the biggest offense to me when I say it. I feel the other person doesn't deserve because I don't deserve it and they don't see past this wall. I put it up, just to filter everyone out, because I don't have a stable place to bring some of them down to work on it better. So it's pointless as of now for things getting better. It's just how it is. I smoke weed a lot to escape this.

I dream all the time and day dream of what it feels like what I needed and wanted it's really nice.

That someone would go through the fire and flames and not save me just be here and want to show they want me around. That's what I needed. I feel someone trying to hug me all the time at my good and bad times and it's like trying understand it in the real world is very difficult. I feel the exact opposite in reality. My temper has been very short recently and it's getting into my work place environment. I just lose my self and going back feeling trapped where I'm currently at feeling frustrated how I'm not getting what I want, because I'm stuck working in this lame job that over works me pays me scraps and I never have a life anymore. I don't have the means to be with my close friends I used to have. I don't have space for myself and my parents drama constantly. All the time people try to mess with me pretending to like me.

If someone pretends to like you as in compliments on how you look or how you are and then just drops you and acts like they don't know you or make fun of you. Acting like it's funny to make me upset. You can't help it over years when people just reject you or treat you like that to feel like you aren't much of any value. I'm just saying how it is. I don't like eating, because I feel ugly if I have weight. Very ugly. I feel angry and worthless when I have weight. Even if I'm skin and bones I'd be happier on that obsession that I'm not fat, because I'm hoping it brings me closer to what I needed and wanted all along, but nothing happens or changes.

My mom is trying her damnest to keep me at these ****** jobs to make money to help her financial debt when I can't get a car when I needed one to buy to go to and from work and I'm forced to rely on them, and I can't go pay for medical insurance for my problems and I can't even get my dental problems fixed ever. I can't do much and I can't go to college period. I can't do certain things in the speed other people. I'm at a point now, I don't know whether I want to know what happens in my life further or I just want to die now.