"To grieve, you need to acknowledge the pain for what it is; pain"- T

I feel it. I feel so much pain. I really hope that by acknowledging this pain I will be able to move on. Everybody says she's bad for me and is a ****** friend but they don't understand the good parts. It's not her fault that my feelings are this deep. It's hard to express the mess I feel inside. Why am I not good enough?? And why am I jealous at the fact that she uses someone else more than me?? Just the fact that I'd prefer to be used than to be nothing...

And it just hurts when we hang out because of the rejection. I know she wants to be friends but I'm so scared that I can't. I don't want to cut her off again and not let her visit me when I'm back in school but it's so hard for me. I've already took a 2 month break from her where I cut her off but the minute she's back, I'm dragged back to square one... how do I remain friends without that hope?