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pachyderm said:

Yes, I hide things. Even from myself. Can you guess why?

Again, I don't think people jabber to put other people at ease. At least, that's hard for me to imagine.

I grew up with a mother of whose hatred I was terribly aware. Especially she hated expressions of (my) weakness or terror. The rest of my family was afraid of her hatred too. Including my father. And other people, seeing you hated, hate you too -- if only to protect themselves. It's easier to take sides with the hater, seen as being in control, than it is to take sides with the hated one, and thus incur wrath too.

I am afraid that my therapist will (be forced to) take sides with the haters, when he discovers what I am really like (small and afraid). Is it possible he will be strong enough not to have to?

Sorry; I am revealing (discovering) a lot.

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Wow this is some really important, insightful stuff. I would suggest going into your next session, telling your T to shut up, and letting him know all of this stuff. Maybe the key to him listening is really revealing yourself, just like you did in this post. The whole point of therapy is the scariest part of therapy-- to reveal the true self, completely raw, every single part-- with this comes the fear of the therapist not accepting the true self. I don't know what you talk about in therapy, but it sure sounds as though you are doing the appropriate work outside of it... How much of what you are telling us here can you bring into session?