When do you see your therapist? It sounds like your brain is doing that "what if" thing way too much. Sometimes talking about it helps me break that cycle.

Are you using your klonopin? I know it's hard when you are home alone but if you have a small enough amount it might help without knocking you out completely.

I'm glad you and your husband get some time out for New Year's. I'm sure it won't be a repeat of last year. I understand the fear but realistically there is no connection. I get that way about my birthday. It's just a few weeks after Christmas so it happens to fall in a stressful time and I've had a lot of tough things happen on my birthday in the past. My current therapist worked really hard to get me to even begin to not hate my birthday and now I'm ok enough with it that I actually requested a small family party this year although it will be delayed a few months because I'll be in the hospital for my actual birthday if all goes according to plan. I haven't had a celebration that was more than my mom and niece in so many years I can't remember. But I'm not dreading it (well, I'm dreading it in terms of all the days in the hospital are to be dreaded) and I think my little party will be fun once Im well enough to have it. But I've had to learn that just because I had some really bad birthdays they don't all have to be horrible for the rest of my life, even though that's easy to believe for some reason.

I hope you get a good night of sleep.