I'm having such a hard time over the holidays. No therapy or pdoc for 3 weeks and things have been so tenuously "okay," that I'm having such a hard time keeping it up. To be honest, the only thing keeping me safe right now is knowing that my therapist is going to check my arms and legs when we get back.



I have my safety plan, and I'm using it. If it comes to that, I'll go stay at the crisis centre or go to the ER like I promised. But it's really really hard to keep all these dark thoughts away for so long. Especially right after they told me how therapy once a week isn't enough right now. The only thing keeping me safe is not wanting the consequences of hurting myself. It's hard though. I keep crying and screaming into my pillow.

I haven't cut in 2 months and I don't want to ruin it because I think the longer I go, the easier it will get. 2 months always seems to be when I lose it and give in though. Just sucks this time is coming over Christmas, which is hard anyway.

I ran into my ex-T on the metro (yes, the one who hurt me so much), and it struck me that she was not only so cold (I had come to wonder if I had imagined it), but that she actually seemed angry with me. I've been thinkjng about that a lot. She has no right to be angry. She encouraged me to become so dependent I forgot how to cope on my own for over 5 years, then broke my heart after surgery, and I think she's angry I wrote that last emailtelling her that she hurt me and she damaged me by causing so much dependence and promises that could never be kept.

What struck me the most was how angry I felt when I saw her. I knew I was hurt and sad and felt betrayed, but this is the first time I felt so angry. It seemsso unfair that she should get to think she did notbing wrong, damage me, and get to walk away consequence-free, when I have practically destroyed myself wondering why I'm no longer loveable and having all those abandonment wounds re-opened. I've been to hell, and I'm trying to claw my way out, and I don't think she believes she did a single thing wrong. It hurts like hell.

Normally I would ask my pastor to talk, but it's *her* vacation now, with her brand new granddaughter. I wanted to whisper to her when I hugged her at the door on Sunday that I'm scared, just so somebody can help me carry it, but I didn't want to worry her. And I know she does worry about my safety.

It's hard to struggle so badly and feel so alone. I'm counting down the days until my therapy appointment on the 6th. The whole psych hospital is closed until the 4th. It's hard, but I can do it. I just need to do what I can to keep myself safe.

I keep forgetting that I'm supposed to be saying nicer things to myself. I've been drawing a heart on my hand as a visual reminder. Funny how easy it is to forget even the most simple things. I'm also trying the "acting opposite" but I have trouble putting it into practice for a lot of things, especially since I'm so isolated.

Thanks for listening.