I don't think you'll ever understand how much you meant to me. When I think about the people who've caused me the most pain in my life, you're at the top of the list alongside my dad. I was so innocent, and I was so full of love. All I wanted was to love you. It's not your fault entirely. It all comes down to circumstances and timing as well. If you met me a bit earlier on in my life, I wouldn't have opened myself up. I was trying a new thing and you were there. I found myself being more vulnerable than I ever had in my life. I was so sure that you felt the same way but you told me that I was a hopeless romantic and you just wanted a **** buddy. I was young and I was desperate for your love. I compromised myself and my values, desperately urging you to use me so I could get some of that love. You still refused. I gave it my all, and no matter what I did, I couldn't make myself good enough for you.

I spent the next year at school saying **** it and sleeping with anyone who wanted to sleep with me. I was broken and I no longer was the hopeless romantic that you pictured me out to be. I became cold and I never let myself be vulnerable again. I masked my feelings for you with pointless infatuations and called it moving on. I hated you for the person that I became. That one night that we did happen, I think about it all the time, wishing that I enjoyed it more. You'll never understand the pain that I felt when after everything, after me going off the deep end, you still didn't want to be **** buddies. No matter what I do I'll never be good enough for you. It's not your fault that you don't feel the same way, but you didn't have to rub it in. I don't think you understood the extent of my love for you. I tell strangers about you. Nobody I meet compares to the feelings that I feel for you. I'll never understand how you could have used him when you didn't love him but you couldn't do the same to me. I want to think it's because you loved me too much to use me but I don't think I'll ever know how you truly feel.

That two month break did nothing because the moment we reconnected, I found myself hoping again. I wish that I could kill that hope, I really do. I don't think that I can just be friends with you but I don't want to hurt you like that. I know that one of the reasons you refused was because you didn't want to lose our friendship. I don't want you to think that after everything, despite not doing anything, you still lost our friendship. But it's so hard for me. Looking at you makes me sad. Your existence makes me sad and my biggest fear is that I'll never get over you.

I wish she never hurt you like that. Because then, maybe you'd be able to love. It's just a self-perpetrating cycle of broken hearts and cold souls and I miss who I used to be. But it's not your fault. It's not your fault that I can't get over you and it's not your fault that I can't love myself anymore. I'm done being angry at you for sometimes leading me on. Because it's more than just that. I know this has got to do with me too. I love you so much but I wish I never met you.

-the most honest thing I'll write