I disagree vehemently with your vehement disagreement. It seems arrogant to think a white person could ever fully understand the deep and cutting impact that racism has on people of color, having never lived those experiences ourselves. That’s similar to saying you understand the psychological impacts of war, having never been to war. Or you know what it feels like to be abused, despite never being abused.

Some white people will obviously be more empathetic than others, but I think it is an indisputable statement that no white person could ever fully understand what racism feels like. Because we’re not magicians or shapeshifters or omnipotent beings, so how could we possibly know what it feels like to experience something we haven’t experienced.

As a lesbian woman, anytime I’ve felt the need to discuss homophobia, I’ve chosen to only discuss it with my lesbian friends. Never my straight friends, not my bisexual friends, not even my gay male friends. Their experiences are different, so they can’t truly understand the ways that patriarchal homophobia impacts my life.

To the OP, if you feel you have a connection with this therapist and she helps you with other things, perhaps it’s beneficial to keep her around. Only you can say. Regardless, it sounds like your experiences with racism are a major problem in your life, understandably so, and at the very least you should try to find a therapist of color who you can discuss these specific issues with. I think it’s important to find a therapist that can truly empathize with, rather than invalidate, your experiences, and someone who has had similar experiences will be better equipped to provide that support.


But placing myself in your shoes, if a therapist ever said to me, “I believe homophobia feels real to you,” while implying it wasn’t actually real, I’d be out the door, never to return. There is no valid excuse for that level of ignorance. Experiencing discrimination is hard enough. Not being believed just makes it that much harder.