Hey Guys. I need advice. My life is a joke. If you want to respond please know that I do not want you to say whether I should like her or not because I do and I will continue to like her, I am asking what I should do or if I should just try my hardest to become friends and stay there. Please if you can read all of this or at least skim through it, please if you can REPLY, and ANSWER MY QUESTIONS AT THE END and what you think I should do.
My relationship is going south and now so is my life. It isn’t necessarily the fact that she is gone that I feel my life is getting worse, it kind of is, but it is the fact that she was helping me through everything else in my life. I have known her for about a year now and I have always liked her since the moment I first started to really get to know her, which was early on. We live away from each other and haven’t had the opportunity to meet, I know you guys are probably going to roll your eyes to that. The thing is that I have really bad anxiety and depression and it hurts me and it is ruining me. I have really bad intrusive thoughts to the point where I don’t leave my room and I can’t enjoy spending time with people. Due to this I have really no friends in real life and I am very lonely and depressed the majority of the time.

So after knowing each other for quite a while about two months ago she said that she liked me and I told her that I had always liked her too. She said that she had always liked me but didn’t think that I liked her so she never really talked about it. And from there everything got a lot better. I think it would also be wise to mention that I told her about my anxiety and depression and the fact that I don’t socialize in real life only a little after we met, so she knew about it before she said she liked me. It was great from there we would always send each other cute little messages in the morning when we got up and again when we were going to bed and we would talk throughout the day. I really liked her… I really do still. For the past month we have been flirting back and forth and doing video calls and talking to each other a lot more and I was really happy to the point where my depression and anxiety were getting better and I wasn’t feel lonely. I was getting less thoughts and I was starting to be happy for the first time in a really long time.

She talked about how when we meet up she would want to kiss me and that she would want to date. She kept saying that she loved me and I kept saying it back and I really did mean it. But then a couple days ago just randomly she just went off. Less than 24 hours before we were talking like we always do and we were both happy. I don’t think I said anything wrong! I have been looking back and trying to find out what I said that could have caused this but I don’t see anything that would do this.

I was going to bed so I sent her a message saying, “I hope you had a great day. I've been thinking about you. Goodnight! I love you, just a reminder.” Because I was thinking about her and I was thinking about how happy she makes me.
But then she just reply, “I can’t” she said, “I can’t take it, I can’t take it and I don’t like it. I don’t like you saying you love me. I don’t like you flirting with me. I don’t like it I can’t take it. I know I have been playing a part in it too and flirting with you and saying all these things but I thought I wanted it but I don’t I can’t. I just want us to stay friends.”
Remember that less than a day before she was saying she loved me and that she wanted to kiss me. But now she just can’t? I like her a lot and she has helped me so much through my thoughts and depression. And after this I overreacted and even though I didn’t say anything I fell apart on the inside and I fell back into my depression harder than I ever have. And I started to do self-harm again that night. The next day he found out about it, one of my friends that is also her friend told her. And she said that she didn’t hate me and that I was her best friend. She also kept saying how she wasn’t made at me and that she was sorry for last night and that she felt terrible. She said she was sorry but she had to say what was on her mind and that that I was poison to her heart. She said the she was so afraid of leading me on and such and that she really did like me and that she still kind of does but that being together wouldn’t be good for either of us. I kept telling her that none of it is her fault and that I have problems I have to fix and those are not her fault. And it just got better from there because that friend of mine told her I was suicidal which I am not and she started freaking out about that. And I kept telling her that I am not and that he doesn’t know what he is talking about. He later apologized he just said he thought I was.
And now she said "I just need some time, okay? I think we need space from each other for a while I know that you want to be with me, I get that you love me, I understand that you've never really had a friend like me before. But right now we are only hurting each other and I don't want that to become our friendship."

That friend I was talking about was talking to her and he told me she said, “if he gets too attached to me, and we break up, where would that leave him? what would that leave him with? nothing. he would be broken” and yes I would be broken but I would rather be broken and know that I actually was able to be in a relationship with her then to have it end now and never know if I had a chance. Or did I miss my chance?

I really like her and I want us to be together. But if that can’t happen I want at least be friends. But now she wants to take a break and not even really be friends right now. I don’t want to lose her not only because she helps me though my anxiety and depression but because she means so much to me as a friend and as a person. I really like her and I really want her to love me or at least be good friends. It would be absolutely horrible though if she loved me but she wasn’t happy because she makes me happy and if she is not happy in this relationship I won’t be either. Now I just have to wait it out and see what happens.

I don't even know if I ever want to date anyone for fear that I will hurt them. As I said I am horrible at socializing andI rarely talk to anyone, so I especially don't want to lose her because she is one of my only friends.

What I want to know is, is it over? Is having a relationship ruined? Could we still be great friends if we don’t have a relationship? And what should I do in this position? This is stressing me out and that doesn’t help my anxiety.