Monday's session... whew. Not so much what we talked about because I was about completely resistant the whole session. But my reactions/feelings during and after...

...phone calls to her again. She called back next day (I wouldn't let myself use her cell number so had to leave a message). I couldn't even remember exactly what I'd said when I called and had to tell her that because she was referring to it. How embarrassing to have to have her remind me of what I said in despair.

She is going to get so sick of this crap. I need to "be" there in session. sigh. But she thinks it's good that I got it out. What I had said was that "I will NOT love my mother!!" among some other stuff. I do not even know where that came from except that her trying to connect felt motherly and I wanted to accept it but I couldn't. I could not get my head around anything she was saying. It seemed like a back and forth, like gunfire from opposing sides... lol.. is the best I can describe it. Or like a very fast paced tennis match, the ball slamming back and forth. I kept retreating just as if I was literally taking steps backwards away from her. It was very confusing. It still is.

To allow good things to come from her.. means... what?.. to me??

What IS it that isn't okay??

Oh, the session could have been so good. She was really reaching toward me, really trying to connect/make the connection better or deeper, and all I could do was withdraw further and further. I mentioned on the phone, that I was so disappointed in myself and that I recognized how hard she was working at connected and she said "Well, we know you have the tendency to do the opposite of what you really want". .. We do?! Ok, good, so at least she knows I wasn't rejecting her.

At home, in the midst of my turbulent reaction, I attempted to hurt myself and I'm flabbergasted that I did that!

I did spend time thinking about it all and I think I need her help with it. I also thought about the fantasy of her comforting me, sitting beside me on the couch and comforting me. What is that about, I wondered? I think it is not just about the comforting, but it is also about wanting to communicate without words as it is difficult for me, and it is about not wanting to be seen so I'm placing her beside me instead of across from me.. out of her line of vision.

I also said when she called back that it feels like the session ends too abuptly. I told her I was sorry these things come out after session and not during. She said she was glad they are coming out no matter if it isn't in session right now and that we would "put our heads together" about how to end so it doesn't seem abrupt. She is so so sweet and reassuring. I am so lucky. Confused, scared, but lucky too.