So I think I am in a dissociative state 24/7. Because I don't have a connection with my body. Also if rarely I am happy and find connection with my body and gut.. then if something scares me, it sends me losing myself again.

Now this is painful because I am in my mind 24/7 and whatever scary thing my mind says I can't refute it or identify with my body and gut and say no.

My trauma is very complicated and I am in the process of getting therapy. Basically what happened was that my parents took me to a mental institution and put me on involuntary treatment. I felt scared and cornered and decided I would shock them so they leave me alone. So in psychiatrist's office in front of my psychiatrist(male), my case worker(male) and my father I talked about a strange sexual incident in graphic detail and explicit language... I thought it would inflict harm on them, but being a person who comes from a religious background but who is not religious, it instead traumatized me and now I have flashbacks where I get embarassed and ashamed like when I talked about the incident in psychiatrist's office.

And that is why I am in a continuous dissociative state. I should also mention that when I take a lot of sleeping pills and it makes me dizzy I feel a connection with my body and gut for an hour or so but when the effects of the sleeping pills wear off.. again I lose myself and no connection to body and gut.

Can anyone relate to this? And how can I recover from this and does anyone has any suggestions for what to do in therapy when I start it?